and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
