I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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