Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
