I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
