I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
