Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
