he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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