she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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