She's JV to your varsity
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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