Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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