My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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