im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
