No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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