I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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