Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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