I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
