Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
