A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
