im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
