He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
