dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
