Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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