She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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