We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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