the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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