My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
