he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
