I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
