PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
