I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This couple is walking their pig around campus
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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