I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
