I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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