Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
