Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
