I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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