i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
