Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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