i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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