Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
