I wish I could teleport
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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