so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
