I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would fuck him just for his dog
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
