Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
