when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize