Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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