I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
