I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
