you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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