SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
