And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
