My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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