Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
