my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
