the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
