beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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