you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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