I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
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just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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