Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
