My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
