if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
