It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
