I look better un-naked...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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